Cultural Lessons from Death and Funerals

Death is much more a regular part of life in Malawi as compared to the United States. In the US, I probably went to about 1 funeral every 3-4 years. Most of those involved grandparents or great-grandparents or other elderly people. It has been pretty rare during my life in the US to attend the funeral of a young person or young man or woman. I can think of 3 that I personally was a part of over the 26 years I lived in the US before coming to Malawi.

Malawi however, is quite different. In an average year a person can easily attend a dozen funerals or more of people who range from babies all the way up to the elderly. Many factors affect this difference including poor health care systems, malnutrition in children under 5, presence of tropical diseases including Malaria, the high prevalence of HIV/AIDS, poor road systems and emergency response systems leading to a higher number of traffic accidents and fatalities, and I'm sure the list goes on and on.

There is another factor, culture. Culture may or may not affect the number of deaths-that's not the point of this post, but it certainly changes the number of funerals an average person is expected to go to.

In the last week, 3 people I was somehow connected to died. The first was a man of not yet 40 years who was a part of our church small group. He had been battling a degenerative brain disorder for some years and finally lost that battle on his way to see a specialist neurosurgeon in the southern part of the country.

The next 2 both died together (along with an American woman who I didn't know) in a car accident coming back from a Young Life meeting in Zimbabwe. Both were young men in their 20s. One had been married less than 2 years, the other only 7 months. You simply cannot escape being close to death in Malawi.

As I was at the funeral for the man in our church small group, I made a few observations about funerals in Malawi that speak volumes about Malawian culture.

1. Malawi is a communal society.

We learned this as new Peace Corps Trainees when I first came to Malawi and I continually learn it as I live and work here. The difference between the US being an individualistic society and Malawi (and Africa in general) being a communal society.

In the US, generally speaking, close friends and family attend funerals. Funeral arrangements are all about what the deceased wanted or would have wanted. Immediate family tends to be the main focus. Thus, why I as an American, attended so few in the US. Very few people who are directly connected to me die in the US.

In Malawi however, EVERYONE attends a funeral. If you work with someone who is connected with someone who dies-you attend the funeral. If you go to church with someone who dies-you attend the funeral. If you live in the same neighborhood or village as someone who dies-you attend the funeral. If you are in any way, shape, or form related by marriage or blood to someone who dies-you attend the funeral. If you once attended school with someone who dies-you attend the funeral. As you can imagine, this leads to funerals being huge events in Malawi with people coming from all over to be there. It's a cultural obligation. If you don't attend, it means you don't care-not just about the deceased (who you may have never met), but about the people you do know who were connected to the deceased.

Malawi is communal, it's about everyone being present to support people in their time of loss. Very few excuses are acceptable in place of absence.

2. Malawi is a fatalistic society

In the US, your average person doesn't come into contact with death very often. It happens for sure, but not nearly as often as it happens in Malawi.

As I said before, the average Malawian probably attends a dozen or so funerals each year. They are constantly being reminded about the frailty of life. That death can happen any day at any moment.

It's difficult to find a middle-aged Malawian who has not lost at least one or two siblings already.

All of this death has to be explained somehow within the cultural psyche. Thus, Malawi is very fatalistic. By contrast, the US is mostly deterministic.

Americans believe in self-empowerment, self-determination, self-examination, self-improvement, and all the other "self" statements. Americans believe it's mostly their own choices and efforts that determine the course of their life. Malawians are different though, they tend to be more fatalistic. Most things are outside of a person's control. It's either fate, spirits, culture, authorities, or God that pretty much determines what happens in life. Thus, they are comforted in times of death knowing that it was God's time and God's will for it to happen, what could be done?

As an American living in Malawi, I struggle with this. As a Christian, yes I do believe in God's control over our lives, but as an American I also believe in the responsibility to take action as well. So when a child dies of a preventable disease like Tetanus, it's hard for me to simply say, "It was God's time, what could be done?" Well my answer to that of course is, "They could have had a tetanus vaccine, that's what!"

I'm still learning to balance fatalism with determinism.

3. Malawi is not detail-oriented, it is people-oriented

This was illustrated to me at the funeral during the carrying of the casket.

In the US, at a funeral you have people who are appointed to be the official pallbearers. Usually about 6 or 8 men, dressed in suits, each assigned a specific place and handle on the casket. I imagine they probably even rehearse beforehand though I've never been one so I don't know. It would be strange for someone else to come up and try to help carry the casket during the funeral.

In Malawi, this is totally different. A large group of men, way more than can actually fit around it, all go to pick up and carry casket. There is no rhyme or reason to how they carry it or where they are placed along the casket, they all just go at it at once. Often, a person will get pushed off the front and then they will walk to the back and start again. Finally the casket makes it to where it is supposed to be-and really, that's the goal. It's more important for each man to have his part in carrying the casket than for it to be an orderly, planned out exercise. Each man can feel he had a hand in helping.

I see this same concept happen during meetings or the like. I'll be sitting in a room with a group of Malawians and there will be a couple empty seats but let's say none of the empty seats are close to the door. Well when a new person walks in, about 2 or 3 people will spontaneously get up and rearrange themselves (maybe even sitting on the floor!) just to make sure the person who walks in can immediately sit in the closest seat to them. Makes no logical sense, the new person could have easily just walked across the room to one of the open seats, but this doesn't matter. What matters is that the person who comes in feels important and is given a nice seat right away. It's about the people, not the details.

4. Malawi has deep rooted gender-related customs

You see this a lot more when you are in the rural areas, visiting more traditional villages. Men and women have very separate roles in the home, in the community, in the church, etc. When you are in the city, you see it less, especially among more educated, wealthy Malawians. But when funerals happen, no matter where they happen, it all comes back.

During the evening before the burial, women sit inside the house on mats on the floor crying, wailing, and singing. Men on the other hand, are outside on chairs, stools, or logs chatting in groups, sometimes around a fire. The next day, during the service and burial, men and women are separated. Women on the ground and men on chairs (if there are any). In can be a bit strange for an American. In the US, a husband and wife would normally sit together at a funeral and be able to comfort one another. In Malawi however, you must maintain the gender separation and find comfort in being around other men or other women. I think no matter how gender-neutral Malawi may become in the future, I have a feeling funerals will always maintain this distinction.

5. Christ still makes the difference

Cultures all over the world conduct funerals in different ways. Regardless though, there is still a difference within that culture when the people who are mourning are believers in Christ. There is a hope present that is not there in other cases. We don't always have answers to the specific questions surrounding certain people's deaths: Why so young? Why such a violent death? What will his widow do now? As believers in Christ though, whether in the US, Malawi, or somewhere else, we always have the ultimate answer to what happens next...Hope.

I Thessalonians 4:13-14

13 And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.


What are the different funeral traditions from your cultural or national background? Share in the comments!

I am enough.

I was reading an article today in Relevant Magazine’s other publication called Reject Apathy.  It’s all about social justice causes and non-profits and government organizations that tackle those various issues.  The article was an interview with someone at Compassion U.S. and was discussing their child sponsorship programs.  At the end of the article he gave a quote that he says is well known around the Compassion organization:

“The opposite of poverty isn’t wealth – the opposite of poverty is enough.”

I quickly posted the quote as a Facebook status and got a few “likes”.  Usually it would end there.  Later however, as I re-read the quote I was reminded of a Malawian phrase.  Here, when someone has eaten their share at a meal, they don’t use the western expression of, “I’m full”.  They say the phrase, “Ndakhuta”.  The English translation of this phrase is, “I am enough.”

At first glance it doesn’t seem all that different: “I’m full” versus “I am enough”.  It got me thinking though; it’s a very different and perhaps profound statement.  Our western culture seems to have the goal of always getting more, bigger, and better things.  When we eat, we don’t just eat enough, we eat until we’re literally full.  When we consume other goods and products, we don’t just consume enough-we consume until our closets, garages, houses, and rented storage spaces are full.  Try to explain that one to a Malawian.  Having so much stuff that your huge house can’t even fit it all; you have to pay someone to store it for you!

During my time spent living in Malawi I have learned, less out of choice and more out of necessity, to simply live with a lot less.  As I type this blog I’m sitting in the dark using battery power because of the regular power outages that occur here.  If the battery were dead, I would probably be reading by the light of a book light.  That’s the typical entertainment for me for the evening.  If I were an average Malawian living out in a village I would be finishing dinner and chatting with family and friends by candlelight until it was time to go to sleep.  Choices at restaurants and in stores are a lot fewer than in the U.S.  Cheese, for example, pretty much comes in one standard cheddar form and it costs at least 5 times the price it costs in the U.S.  I don’t even know how many types of cheeses are available at an average supermarket in the States.

While Madalo was visiting me in Seattle, she was amazed and at times perplexed by all of the choices she was given about everything.  We went out to The Cheesecake Factory one night for her birthday.  If you’ve ever been there you know that their menu is pretty much a book of choices splattered with random advertisements.  It was a bit overwhelming for her.  After you’ve read though the book and you are finally ready to order you can choose between at least 5 different side options, whether to have soup or salad or both before the meal and which salad dressing you prefer, which of an endless list of drink options you would like, how you would like your meat cooked, and on and on it goes.  Don’t even get me started on the different number of cheesecakes!  Not only can we consume as much as we want; we have endless choices as to what exact item, color, flavor, temperature, country of origin, etc. we would like those items to be.

Malawi is a much more communal culture than the United States.  Almost everything is shared.  Individual ownership doesn’t have as much meaning as it does in the West.  Food, clothing, tools, land, housing, etc…there’s a lot less of it to go around so sharing is a must for people to live and for the society to endure; especially for those who live out in villages.  Because of this, people don’t always eat until “full”.  They eat until they are “enough”.  This leaves room for others to also be “enough”.  I can’t count how many times I’ve sat down to eat with obviously poor Malawians watching them eating less so that they could offer me more.  Out of respect, I know that I can’t refuse, but I do try to only eat just enough to make them happy so that there is plenty for everyone else to get a healthy amount.

As I have experienced both ways of living, I am continually amazed at how much more I enjoy, how much more fulfilling it is for me to live not with everything I may want, not with everything I can afford or everything I can fit into my house, but simply living with “enough.”  Ndakhuta.  I am enough.

“When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not reap your field right up to its edge, neither shall you gather the gleanings after your harvest.  And you shall not strip your vineyard bare, neither shall you gather the fallen grapes of your vineyard.  You shall leave them for the poor and for the sojourner: I am the Lord your God.” –Leviticus 19:9-10